Yes, yes those are the Founding Fathers (or at least the 7 most famous ones I could remember without Wikipedia's help) as Care Bears/Care Cousins. They are, from left to right: James Madison
, America's littlest president. He was one of those short, sickly, bookish types, and spoke so quietly he was always being told to speak up when he took the floor. Not the likeliest hero of a brave new nation, but that only makes him more awesome! The quill and ink well emblem was chosen as he is often referred to as the Father of the Constitution.Benjamin Franklin
, who hardly needs any introduction, but he's so awesome I can't stop myself flapping my gums about him. This guy was always
up to something, it's like he had an inextinguishable fire under his ass 24/7 from cradle to grave. Impersonating a feminist widow before feminism existed, running away from home (which was illegal at the time), traveling abroad, inventing this whimsical fairy tale instrument
amongst other more practical things, learning to play several
instruments including the guitar, deliberately fucking around with lightning
, helping to found what would later become one of the most powerful nations on Earth, and that's barely half the stuff he did. I need to comb the history books and figure out what they were feeding this man.Thomas Jefferson
. Tom and I have something in common: we both really, really, really
love France. He was a sucker for French cuisine and was once U.S. minister to France. He also loved to play the violin, and was so good at it he could've put Charlie Daniels to shame. Well, that's before he injured his wrist trying to jump a fence (I misspelled that as "jump a French" like five times before I finally got it right) at the Cours-la-Reine in Paris. I really want to know what he was trying to accomplish. I also kinda wish cellphones existed back then so John Adams could've recorded the incident and uploaded a "Thomas Jefferson eats shit for 10 hours" video on LibertyTube. The joke is that Adams hated Jefferson's guts.George Washington
, aka Best President. Do I even need to go on? Deaf and blind feral children raised by hatchetfish at the bottom of the Mariana Trench know who George "The Granddaddy of All Badasses" Washington is. Where do I start? Founding Father, military general, a gentleman, an excellent dancer, the original Commander in Chief, and all that despite a limited education! Nothing could kill this guy, he survived diphtheria, tuberculosis, smallpox, dysentery, and malaria amongst other things. But in spite of his badassery, Senpai Washington was still a polite dog lover who enjoyed eating ice cream with his friends.
To top it all off, he was a total stud. That portrait of him on the dollar bill does not
do him justice, George Washington was sex on legs
, and old age only made him more fabulous.
And I'm not the only one who thinks so, Lafayette's wife (yes, that
Lafayette) had a huge crush on him, and Lafayette didn't even care. He was like "Oui, I cannot blame her, you are très magnifique, non?" Hell, if he wasn't married to a member of the opposite sex I'd say Lafayette was smitten too, seems every time he opened his mouth he was fanboying over George. Who can blame him? Just imagine George Washington sitting atop his noble steed, Nelson, removing his hair ribbon with one quick, elegant gesture and shaking that shimmering silver mane amidst a thundering hail of British cannon fire.Imagine it...
fine, don't imagine it Loyalist swine.Samuel Adams
. All I know about him is that beer companies often use his likeness since he was a brewer, I also know he played a key role in the organization of the Boston Tea Party. So... I know him for making liquid and throwing other peoples' liquid into liquid. John Adams
. He was the first U.S. president to also be a lawyer, he even came to the defense of the British soldiers who fired into a mob of Americans, killing five men, during the Boston Massacre of 1770. To be fair, we were
throwing stuff at them. If you don't want to get shot, "assault an armed guard" probably shouldn't be at the top of your to-do list. Did you know he wanted Americans to refer to George Washington as "His Majesty" or "Highness?" I don't know, His Majesty General George Washington of the United States of America sounds pretty badass to me.
And last but not least, John Hancock
. Merchant, smuggler, and expert fancy-pants signature-writer, he stands out since you'd think a man with that kind of wealth and social standing would support the British Empire, but nope! Patriot. I made him a Dominique rooster, America's oldest breed of chicken. They're flashy and instantly recognizable, just like Mr. Hancock!