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Look To The Books (Film Grain)

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The 11th Doctor was a treat, but mein Gott were his pets annoying. Where do they get off making Rory a centurion? Ja, nein. If that mewling, disheveled, bird-lipped little beta male is qualified to lead upwards of 80 Roman infantrymen, then I'm Old Fritz. When he and Amy are in the same scene I'm on high alert, not because I care about their relationship but because my finger is preparing to mute those hairless Saint Bernards at the first sign that they're getting ready to literally suck face. They are by far the sloppiest kissers I've ever had the displeasure of hearing. Since when did "kissing" become "exchanging saliva in the loudest way humanly imaginable?"

Even by herself, Amy is infuriating. If I had hackles this type of female protagonist would raise them, I'd gleefully shoulder my rifle skip all the way to Stalingrad rather than put up with an attitude like hers for 3 minutes let alone 3 seasons. Every time she puffs out her chest, strutting around like a peacock and getting lippy, I hope against hope that the Doctor or whatever bear she happens to be poking at that moment will inflict some manner of permanent mental or physical scarring to take her down a few hundred pegs and teach her that she's not the biggest fish in the pond, pun intended. But that never seems to happen as everyone, including the villains, seem unusually patient with her and I can't fathom why. Too bad Rory's not a real Roman, who better to civilize a Celtic barbarian?

I'm glad her infant daughter was kidnapped, she would've been a petty, self-important nag with a flinching husband too much in awe of her to prevent her from mentally damaging the kid, I'm sure. Not that River Song was any better for it, mind you. I guess obnoxious conceit is hardwired into her DNA. I think Let's Kill Hitler was the episode that made me dislike River Song. She seemed cool and mysterious in her earlier appearances but later became overpowered and irritatingly smug. I couldn't quite put my finger on it before, but after the aforementioned episode I had some concrete reasons to augment my dislike.
 
Like forcing the Doctor to take her back to Nazi Germany so she can make an attempt on a democratically elected German chancellor's life. Why is "kill Hitler" always the very first thing on peoples' minds when they get ahold of a time machine? You're assassinating a dead horse. If you're trying to stop Nazi Germany from being a thing and Hitler's already been elected, mann, you are late to that rally. That U-boat sailed years ago. On the off chance that anyone reading this ever has the opportunity to go back in time and would like to prevent the second World War - well, first of all, don't, because as horrific as war is it's one of the fastest ways human technology advances and we have no idea what the present will be like, or if there will even be a present if you change the tiniest little thing in the past - but if you've got your heart set on it, there are a dozen ways you could do it that don't involve making you a murderer, which River would've known if she'd spent less time sassing her teachers instead of studying. What's more, River tried to assassinate Hitler on the eve of World War II, had she succeeded he would've simply been replaced by some other Nazi from Hitler's cabinet and the planet's bloodiest war would've carried on regardless.

Why not weed out the root of the problem? Hitler didn't exist in a vacuum, he came to power as a direct result of the authors of The Treaty of Versailles' short-sightedness and Teutophobia. If you don't know your history, long story short, even though World War I was everybody's fault, the winners decided to lay all the blame on Germany, then wrote up an unfair set of rules Germany had to follow which contributed to a deep economic depression. Germany was impoverished, desperate, and their sense of national pride was badly wounded, creating the perfect foothold for Hitler and his fledgling National Socialist Party. Killing Hitler would've no more prevented the rise of an ultra-nationalistic superpower than killing Trump would prevent the rise of the Alt-Right. The social, political, and economic issues that lead to either one's election would still have been present, their supporters would still be dissatisfied with the status quo, assassinations under such circumstances only serve to make men into martyrs and spur civil unrest.

If River had a single lonely brain cell she'd treat the sickness, not the symptoms. Reason with the authors of the Treaty of Versailles so the conditions that lead to Hitler's election as chancellor never exist in the first place, or prevent Franz Ferdinand's assassination and stop two World Wars, or convince Alois Hitler (Adolf's overbearing father) to stop trying to control his son's future with an iron fist and let him become a professional artist, or even prevent Klara (Adolf's mother) from ever meeting the tyrannical Alois.

There, see? Easy. Crisis averted and nobody had to die. Well, except for Gavrilo Princip. Unless you went back and improved his childhood instead of wasting your time gatecrashing a Luftwaffe officer's party hint hint wink wink quit furiously masturbating your ego and goose step that smarmy, historically-challenged little tush straight back to the TARDIS, River. :stare:

And let Hitler out of the closet while you're at it before Ansel finds him or some very obvious jokes will come about.

And what was up with that Teselecta thing? Is this Doctor Who or Minority Report? How does one sentence a general for war crimes before the war? Why does one sentence a general for war crimes before the war? That's just stupid and sadistic, at that point you're just killing for the sake of killing. Why not go back in time and make him a baker or a florist or something? And he was just an army commander like Klaus, not a Gestapo officer. Not everyone with an NSDAP badge was in the Gestapo, BBC. What was he guilty of anyway, commanding his Heer in accordance with the orders of a democratically elected leader?... So, when's it Patton's turn to get zapped? :'D

River Stride: "Is this the surprise you've been harping on about?"

Doctor Whooves: "Yes, yes it is."

River Stride: "What, I don't even get a kiss, or...?"

Doctor Whooves: "You're never touching this muzzle or setting hoof inside my TARDIS again until you've read all these books back to front."

River Stride: "Think you might have that backwards, sweetie."

Doctor Whooves: "Ah, yes, about that... I might have payed an unexpected visit to a parllel dimension of giant lizard ponies after checking these books out of the library and-- it's complicated. The books are backwards now, but only for a few days... probably."

River Stride: "Reich Third The of Fall and Rise, Germany of History Complete, Lord Time A Be To How, Explained Effect Butterfly The and... Harry Trotter?"

Doctor Whooves: "Sorry, that one's mine."

River Stride: "How come this one's not backwards?"

Doctor Whooves: "Magic."
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I just went through and favorite everything Doctor Who and MLP, because they're my most favorite crossover. I absolutely love it and your work!!!